Mentally worn out and in need of some mushy brain time, today I hit the off button. I got off work a little early, tooled around Target for awhile, came home, had lunch while watching The Office (Season 3, the best) and read my new Design*Sponge book. It was a much needed mental reprieve. Sometimes my mind feels like a whirling dervish (ok, most of the time) but today as I settled in for a few laughs and a great book, I actually relaxed. And in that relaxed state, some thoughts actually slowed down enough to be beneficial.
I have been wanting to be more honest on my blog. The tone of many of my posts feels perfunctory. A cute photo, some wordy quips, and that's about it. But I want to write. To write well, write honestly, and write often. It was one of the reasons I thought starting a blog would be a good creative outlet. I envy those that can lay it out there, no holds barred, letting the truth out, regardless of who or what it may be about. I am not sure that I can be that out there, nor do I feel that it is safe or in any way valuable to name names or specifics, so I won't. But I am going to be more honest in regards to myself, and write more about what is going on in my life, for no one else but myself. I really don't see the point of blogging if I'm not being truthful and open, giving myself a platform to figure out some of the craziness that lives in my head. I mean, shoot, wasn't that the intention with the name A Bird Out of Water? That I felt out of place, awkward and stuck in the cliche that is a Quarter Life Crisis, and was looking for some clarity? Well, 25 was three years ago, and since I ain't getting any younger, I feel like I better get on the stick. So here goes, Operation Honest Blogging, Day 1.
I am sure most of you have seen the movie Spanglish. The scene in the photograph below has been on my mind a lot this week. Tea Leoni is running to the to top of the hill, yelling 'Left!' as she passes by fellow joggers. Paz Vega's character, Flor the maid, sees her coming and starts to run, determined not to be passed by the woman who she is feeling manipulated and controlled by. She wants to beat her, even if its just once, dammit. She gives it everything she's got, but true to form, at the top of the hill, Tea turns around after passing her and says, 'I love you for trying.' Yep, know that feeling.
So what to do? Flor quit, moved on. But as things usually go in real life, not Hollywood stories, it's just not that simple. But for now, one thing I know I can do is simply stop racing. I can't beat her, so the only way to stop exhausting myself is to just stop running up that hill. I have to learn to be content to move at my own pace, regardless of who passes me along the way.
And to try, sometimes very hard, to remember that she, like me, probably has her very own Tea Leoni chasing her up her very own hill.